Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Admits that even as an adult, finding an onion ring mixed in with my fast food french fries is exciting.

   I did 26 situps this morning. It's not a lot, but then again how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock?

   just set my phone to flight mode and then threw it in the air, let's just say... WORST TRANSFORMER EVER.

   The fire department will hang up on you if you are reporting a disco inferno.

   I used to watch TV, read the paper, and listen to the radio. Now I watch the internet, read the internet, and listen to the internet.

   Don't be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they're still getting an answer.

   Like if you remember only having 3 TV channels to choose from and YOU were the remote!

   My girlfriend just caught me blow drying my pen!s and asked me what was I doing...apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't the right answer.

   If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had.

   NBA's first games start Christmas day....Worst Christmas present EVER!!

   Respect to the women who loved us at our worst when we had nothing, women who patiently watched us grow from boys to men, helped us work for everything we have today, blessed us with love, support and loyalty and never asked for anything in return.

   Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" is a clever little b@stard.

   I suggest we Drink!..... Before we go out Drinking!!

   TEIAM - problem solved

   You can do a thousand GOOD things and a a hundred GREAT things. But if you do just one BAD thing, people will remember you for that.

   Whoever said the camera adds 10 pounds should stop eating cameras.

   There's nothing worse than loving someone who's never going to stop disappointing you.

   Skinny jeans aren't for everybody...