Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My New Year's resolution is to be more social by deleting all my social networks.

   I'm determind to stay out of debt this new year. Even if I have to borrow the money to do so.

   [watching porn] me: she didn't wash her hands, that's how you get the flu.

   Just gave a huge pile of laundry the finger while I walked past it

   I'm Steven Tyler's scarf manager.

   Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

   Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.

   just when you think life is going okay, you get the new guy at Subway

   Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

   I just had a new winch installed on my boat. Ship just got reel.

   Don't blame me for the world's problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

   have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

   Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?

   When someone rings my doorbell, I'm every bit as upset as my dogs.

   How to make meals for toddlers: Step 1. Choose any food. Step 2. Throw it away.

   If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.

   I need more friends who understand that I still want to be invited but I'm not going to go.

   Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

   New rule at Subway: You must give the person in front of you a Wedgie if they take more than 20 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want. 2

   Diarrhea is just confirming the fact that you make poor life decisions.