Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i'm such a fabulous cook, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on!

   thinks that, instead of 45 secs, they should limit tonight's Oscar acceptance speeches to the same as Twitter, 140 characters!!

   It's about time to move my cheese

   I used to love hungary-hungary hippo..... what other game lets you slap somthing on the butt to open it's mouth and swallow balls?

   So...Tiger Woods, Kobe Bryant, and Ben Rothelisberger walk into a bar........

   wondering what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag around.

   Keep smiling. But not to the point where people begin to think you're mentally unbalanced.

   Did you know that when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and smack 'em in the head?

   Silence Is golden, Duct tape is sliver

   Gravity, is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Magnetism , Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

   wonders what the proper amount of Thin Mints to eat in one sitting are? One Cookie? Two? One Tube? Two?

   Gravity is pulling my pants OFF!!! 0:)

   What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?...............wipes =)

   lying in bed with my wife and whispers in her ear, "Hey, how would you like to play a nice little game of rape?" Taken back by the question, she loudly says "NO!". I man replied, "That's the spirit!"

   "I guess when they asked me to get the horse bridled and mount her, I did something completely wrong"

   it is so cold outside, that even the guy at the gas station had a towel on his head!

   doesn't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

   My laziness is becoming such a issue that I can't even be bothered hanging my clothes on my treadmill anymore

   Viagra is now available in powder form for your tea. It doesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your biscuit going soft.

   The sign it Said wet floor, So I did.