Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I swear to drunk I am not god

   Vegans are secretly just anorexics trying to disguise it under a hippy guise of nutrition and compassion.

   Girlfriends are like wildcats.....they can't be housebroken and they can smell that stripper perfume from a mile away!

   his boss must think he's very motivational as he told me that everyone says they have to work twice as hard whenever I'm around.

   UPDATE...in the midst of preparing an antidote to fix stupid...a massive explosion accured....needless to say...everyone was right....THERE AIN'T NO FIXIN' STUPID!

   in my lab...playing mad scientist...only 2 ingredients away...from coming up with an antidote to fix stupid...stay tuned

   I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.....

   walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t".

   Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall ... what the hell happened?

   Why did God create man? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

   We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

   re-invented the term "big baller", running nude in a basketball court

   a police officer states"I'm never gonna say "come here" to a convicted porn-star again"

   On the other hand... You have differnt fingers

   so hot that he needs someone to become a fan!!

   (fill in the blank)__________ me, I'm Irish.

   I thought love was a giveing thing.... The more I gave the less I got

   I feel like the little kid before Christmas... cant wait to get up and see what St. Patty has for me under the keg !

   They named a hurricane after a guy, and where did it go? Straight for the virgin islands!

   has ordered a home delivery from KFC and Denny's simultaneously, so he can see which comes first, the chicken or the eggs.