Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the definition of Door: What my dog is perpetually on the wrong side of!

   Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

   •Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

   •You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

   •When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

   •Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

   •Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?”

   Use this for•The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

   tired of my abacus's running away from me, I need one I can count on!

   one has facebook complex when he/she needs to have as many "friends" as possible regardless of who they are or if they even really know the person.

   A pat on the back is just a few centimeters away from a kick in the ass.

   : Taylor Swift has applied for a patent for her invention of a new musical key.

   thinks if adam and eve were chinese they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple!

   after so much studying , he is going to PASS his BAR tonight!

   Finally got Laid... And you all thought It would never happen!

   now that she's gone, Hands back into my pants!

   is doing "The Pee Pee Dance!". Not because I have to go... I just think it's a cool dance...

   Celebrating 6 yrs of a social epidemic.Congrats Facebook for connecting people with friends;old,new,and weird. Using up people's time online. Poking as many women as possible.F*cking up relationships/marriages,and checking up on people's exaggerated lives

   masticating in a crowded restaurant.

   "The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits"