Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only closed minds came with closed mouths!!.....

   so drunk last night, had a blue tooth blinking into my ear and thought the cops were following me

   I liked you until you farted and turned the MUSIC up like it was gonna cover the smell.

   just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."

   You give new meaning to the saying "Beaten with an Ugly Stick," it looks more like you were smashed by the whole damn forest.

   just finished her first book!!! man, that was alot of coloring!!

   It's not even a booty call, it's a drive by... hit it and go.

   I had a wet dream about you last night... I pissed myself laughing when you fell off a cliff!

   I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I'm going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You'll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.”

   I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

   The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list...

   do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience

   Beer goggles don't exist…you knew what she looked like, but also figured you could get away with it because of all the shots of tequila you'd had.

   having a 10 second honda is kinda like coming out of the closet, some people may be surpised at first but in the end your still gay

   We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour.

   saw this on an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, oh...fly Delta?)

   can't stand people who say "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

   Megan Fox naked. Oops. This isn't Google.

   went 2 the corner store and saw the ugliest pregnant lady in the world and I just thought, 'Good for you.

   Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.