Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if i'd have killed her when I met her, I'd be out of jail by now.

   After hearing someone just ramble on and on on the phone or in person, don't you just wish they would become verbally impotent?

   thinks she settled the argument over whether you refer to a carbonated beverage as "soda, pop, or Coke"....it's "chaser!"

   I was in the nany for about 40 minutes until they kicked me out. Turns out the poop deck isn't what I thought it was. Man were they angry.

   Ezekiel 25:17 "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his

   Remembers a conversation with my X – she asked, “John what would our Brangelena name be as a couple” - I said, “Junt”

   -- I saw a kid earlier with a hairy face and horrible beady eyes.......Saying that, I suppose it's normal for a goat...

   saw the HILLYBILLY that won the lottery bought a new car - and transfered his bumper sticker "PROUD FATHER of my NEPHEW"

   I'm not saying I don't get my fair share of fiber...but it's like trying to push a tennis ball down a Velcro lined tube.

   a cool dad, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: oh my god, WTF: why the face

   wondering who put a quarter in the hillbilly...shut up already.

   Kan yu knot spel?

   reckons alcohol contains female hormones, think about it after drinking 1) Mens speak unnecessarily 2)become very over emotionall 3)drive badly 4)stop thinking 5)FIGHT FOR NOTHING ;

   a little less conversation, a little more action please!!

   i am not a squirrel but I do play with my nuts

   people who take really good care of their farmville probably have the ugliest room

   I fell out of my chair. This might take a while!

   When I was 13, I had my first love, ASDFGHJKQWERTYUIOPZXCVBNM above!

   learning life lesson number 68, don't fry bacon naked!...ouch

   When you lie to everyone else. You're only lying to yourself.