Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..just has this way of lighting up a room whenever she walks in. She flips a switch.

   I hope the trend of businesses placing hand sanitizers everywhere soon extends to ATMs.Imagine what germs the slobs who use my ATM are carrying,considering they can't even bother to either take their receipts or throw them in a garbage can 6 inches away

   If Apple bought out ihop no one would ever know..

   according to the color of my pee, I had a great night last night!

   I am my own worst enemy, and the enemy has gas weaponry.

   Falling in love is like jumping off a very tall building. Your brain tells you - it's not a good idea, while your heart tells you - you can fly.

   I wish I had more middle fingers.

   My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either.

   I wish I could delete all the cookies I ate last night

   According to my nipples, I'm freezing!

   I saw a girl with "GUESS" on her shirt. I said "fake?". she slapped me!!

   A woman should know how to look like a girl, how to act like a lady, how to think like a man." :)

   aye Justin Bieber Imma let you finish but Ricky Martin is the best gay singer of all time! All Time!

   Ladies that tattoo of the sun rising out of your butt-crack looks great now however when you're 60 it's an octopus chasing a starfish.

   Wonders if Prince Albert is aware of the piercing that is named after him?

   A woman robbed a McDonalds wearing mens underware on her head. No get-away vehicle was described however there were skid marks.

   Mother, I would appreciate it if you didn't use scented laundry detergent, I don't feel like walking around smelling like Fresh Mountain Breeze...

   Oppenheimer's famous sentence : That was a big@$$ f*ckin' eXplosion, man !!!

   i bet you the first club was a barbershop.

   some people have their baby ruths or their michael jordan or wayne gretzky or dan marinos but my idol is adam from man vs. food.