Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.

   thinks drunk driving would be cut in half if people didn't do borderline gay sh*t to you when ur passed out.

   i can ride my bike with no handlebars no handlebars no handle *crashes*

   When I see someone using a payphone I always think they're arranging the ransom drop off.

   If you fail at your first two attempts to parallel park, move on.

   Thinks he should change his name to TomTom. I have had at least 5 people today stop and ask me for directions. I guess I look like a guy who knows where he is going… If they only new the truth, LoL

   never shout out "Fruit Cake" at a gay wedding. You never know who your gonna offend."

   so someone just told me that, that isn't a water fountain in the bathroom it is something called a bidet, sure works well as a water fountain though

   Happy Birthday old friend...(note to self) keep fire extinquisher handy just in case.

   Just realized me and Eminem could never be in a relationship cause I was be scared he would wanna tie me to the bed and set the house on fire!!

   I don't run from hurricanes, I drink them.........

   My wife gave me an apple to eat for breakfast. So, this is what Adam felt like.

   For some of you that habitually change your relationship statuses, Facebook should offer an "is being played by _________" option.

   That's a nice suit. When did the clown die?

   Studies have finally discovered what is wrong with the male brain. On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the rightside, there is nothing left!

   If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

   The economy is so bad that I ordered a Big Mac at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

   if texting and driving is dangerous....look at me I'm updating my face book!

   Never tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

   why is there a diet version of everything good except chocolate? hmm...where does Hershey's keep their "suggestion box"?