Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ...Singer Morrisey says Chinese are a “subspecies.” Sorry I'd write more but there's a subspecies at my door with my dinner

   Some people like to "cuddle," some prefer to "spoon," I rather "spork" ..... think about it, it will come to you.

   magine yourself as you would like to be, doing what you want to do,and each day, take one step towards your dream. And though at times it may seem too difficult to continue, hold on to your dream.One morning you will awake to find that you are the person

   Good God...WHAT'S the problem with telling someone "I'm SO miserable without you it's almost like having you here?" LOL-sheesh! ;)

   DON'T put a question mark where GOD has put a period. ;)

   ALL relationships require compromise and giving and sacrificing ur way for the sake of others. You can't have ur way ALL the time and expect to have fulfilling relationships. ;)

   Disappointments are Inevitable but misery is optional. ;)

   Police pulls over a speeding car; Cop: I've been waiting for you all day. Driver: Yeah well I got here as fast as I could. ;)

   Aside from ur face, what's ur problem!? ;)

   How is it C-3PO is fluent in 6 million languages, yet in none of them can manage to say, "I'm gay?"

   I'm starting to think those 4 years of "P. Diddy Language" I took in grad school may have been a wizz-aste.

   Amy Winehouse says her body has been through so much she probably can't get pregnant. Darwin wins again.

   Craigslist removed its' "Adult Services"section. Headline should read, "No one to ever use Craigslist again".

   If you say the word "douche" fast and repetitively, it will sound like the beat of a techno song that some douche would definitely love.

   Barack Obama's tweets are too official. Just once I'd like to see something like: "Just took a Biden-sized dump".

   I feel like "cheeseburger" works better as a noun than as an adjective.

   My therapist told me that whenever I'm panicking or involved in a serious situation; the best solution is to take deep breaths.... Ok... Now what if I'm drowning?...

   has decided not to call them BRAs from now on and instead refer to them as BOOBIE TRAPS! coz it just sounds more fun to say

   Does this rag smell like Chloroform?

   Great door signs: Gynecologist: Dr Jones at your cervix. Septic tank truck: Yesterday's meals on wheels. Plumber's office: We repair what ur husband fixed. Tire shop: Invite us to ur next blowout. Electrical shop: Let us remove ur shorts.