Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meteor Shower! Yeah, right NASA. We know better.

   Recipe for disaster: A dash of stupidity combined with copious amounts of greed and prepared by the government.

   I don't trust girls with mustaches.

   The heat doesn't seem so bad when you think how hot it must be for the cook who just dripped sweat in your lunch.

   I wonder if the band that recorded the Saved By The Bell theme ever gets together once in a while just to jam.

   At times, I really wish that my place of employment had a chimpanzee that gives you an ice cold beer when leaving the office as part of your benefits package

   responsibly irresponsible....

   You see stretch marks........ I see tiger stripes

   not a Paraskevidekatriaphobic!!! Happy Friday The 13th everyone!!!

   Women do NOT sleep when we guys go out at night, it's like TV you switch it off and it stays on stand-by!

   I absolutetly love drinking water... too bad they don't mention the ingredients on the bottle I'd like to make some at home...

   would like to wish everyone a Friday the 13th filled with horny teenagers and not machete wielding maniacs...!

   just stole this status from someone who stole it from someone else.

   I bet the person who started booty slappin in football was gay

   Your secrets are safe with me and all my friends.

   It is often said cooking is an art. But I have very few meals that I would hang on my wall.

   1/20/13 The End Of An Error

   Let's flip a coin, Heads I get Tail Tails I get Head!

   She's fat, I'm drunk, IT'S ON!

   Revenge is my policy...