Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish sometimes I was a WWE superstar, not so I can wrestle but so I can have some theme music everytime I enter a room.

   Since I've been out of school, I've been to over 30 weddings. That's like 15 miles of the electric slide, people.

   When I go to a restaurant I always ask the manager, "Give me a table near a waiter."

   Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

   The current news of a wheat shortage doesn't concern me, as Jack Daniels is made from corn.

   It's not even 10 o'clock and I've already used up all my "give a crap" for the day.

   I am beginning to think that the key to happiness is to learn to like the things you hate.

   I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself, "Enough is enough! That's plenty of awesome for one day."

   Facebook saved me from a terrifying keeping-my-thoughts-to-myself addiction.

   Facebook is a distraction - an attractive waste of time. That's what I love most about it.

   You know people who say they don't want to be on Facebook because they don't want to read what people are having for lunch? Screw them, I'm eating a sandwich.

   You know it's been a good day when you take a shower just to change your PJs.

   Feds are indicting Clemens for perjury, said they knew he was on steriods when they saw his nose grow

   Don't you think its time for Life Alert to update their commercials.

   Thinking that they need to change the name from child support to lifestyle support...

   I held the door for a lady at the Post Office because she had a huge box..

   When is the excessive use of the word 'swagg' going to die already. Getting tired of hearing it in every rap song. Bad enough people don't even know the true meaning of it.

   Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out but the only way I can shut the B*tch up is with cookies.

   Ent*tlement Programs are nothing but a massive ‘Ponzi' scheme that has been perpetrated on the American worker

   Michael Cera, Jay Baruchel, Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, Jesse Eisenberg and whinging Dev Patel (star of THE LAST AIRBENDER) are one dimensional, talentless and unattractive.