Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What a loser I must be, I didn't even qualify to take a freaking free survey

   Condoms hidden, plates and dishes washed, toilet tissue put in dispenser, fruits bought, bed made, bathtub washed, house cleaned and vacuumed, gospel music playing, TV turned on to CNN. MY PARENTS ARE VISITING IN AN HOUR AM SET!!

   Fun idea: No kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.

   Any boy can be a dad but only a real man can be a father

   goodnight Mary Jane smoke you in the morning.

   Susan Boyle sings: "Wild Horses couldn't drag me away."Maybe not, but it looks like they gave it a f**king good go, eh Susan?

   Life is like a giant clogged up toilet If only someone was able to fix it...

   Lays is making new diet potatoe chip.....semen flavor... 97.8 percant of women spit them back out

   Sometimes all I'm really doing with my life is just trying to make it from one weekend to the next.

   MTV has 'My Super Sweet 16' and 'When I Was 17.' What's next? 'Officer, I swear I thought she was 18?!'

   If you can't say something nice, we're probably related.

   Sometimes late at night I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

   I wonder how stupid people knew they were being stupid before the slap to the back of the head was invented?

   Tom Brady says he refuses to watch Hard Knocks. He doesn't need to watch. The Patriots tape the Jets practices anyway.

   It may be Pre-Season Football, but I'm drinking like this game really counts.

   You're only young once. After that, you need some other excuse for acting like an idiot.

   People accuse me of being overly competitive. I'm not. I'm the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

   Victoria's Secret: objects in this t-shirt may be smaller than they appear.

   Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want 'cause you're not driving.

   I wish I was friends with a midget so I could introduce by saying, "Say hello to my little friend."