Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Telling the cop that you thought the voice in your GPS counted as a designated driver doesn't help your case.

   I like to walk around my house naked... Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside.

   Sweat Pants: Strong enough for exercising, but made for a guy to lounge on the couch and relax in.

   if you're good at something you just gotta put on your jogging shoes and run with it!!!

   A baseball fan is someone who likes a seriously girly and pathetic sport.

   home alone and just herd a noise, he is now in ninja mode...

   thinking.. Don't you hate it when you are having a great memory about a fantastic adventure you had as a kid and then you realise it was actually an episode of "Leave it to Beaver " ??

   A baseball fan is a spectator sitting 500 feet from home plate who can see better than an umpire standing five feet away

   Don't be a BEN brother, should have been, would have been, could have been, or might have been

   only popular on the internet

   playing marco polo with random people

   doesn't want anything serious.. just a cuddle that'll lead to bigger, harder and better things :)

   Thanks Jason Derulo.. Without you, I would never know how to spell S.O.L.O

   Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

   I see myself as a huge fiery comet, a shooting star. Everyone stops, points up and says, "Oh look at that!" Then whoosh, and I'm gone... and they'll never see anything like it ever again... and they won't be able to forget me - ever.

   My microwave has a button that says "STOP TIME", its probably to stop the timer but I don't touch it just in case

   Everything happens for a reason. It's just that it's always too late when we find out.

   WHOA! Someone just explained to me that I don't get paid for updating my status. I'm going to miss you guys.

   It's time to do some stuff around the house. Sit around it... walk around it... lie around it...

   Us women are stupid. We b*tch moan and yell about something not done by someone else but by the time we get done complaining we couldve done it ourselves..I'm a woman and I will never understand us