Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My cellphone is mixing people up (surprise this would only happen to me) So if you get a picture of my left tit..apoligies in advance!!

   Puberty is gonna hit Justin Bieber harder, than Chris Brown hit Rhianna!!

   since football season is officially here, I will celebrate by tackling the sh*t out of stupid people that piss me off!

   Sometimes finding my car keys is harder than finding a proper sport or a slim person in America

   having a hard time groing his sunflower, maby I should'nt have eaten the insides

   Todays date? 90210!...I'm off to the Peach Pit!

   I'm not sure what's so "outstanding" about this bill... It seems pretty ordinary to me.

   Happy 90210

   Women ask for advice on what to wear and then end up wearing the exact opposite.. that's why I think Snow Pants and Leather Jackets are sexy as hell on them."

   If I owned a charter fishing boat, and I assigned one of the crew to bait customer's fishing poles, would he be called "The Master Baiter?".

   I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

   that feeling when you are about to have sex with some hot gal you've been wanting for a long time...

   What do Hurricane Earl and a redneck divorce have in common? Somebody is gonna lose a trailer.

   fears Hurricane Earl, but only because it sounds like the prison nickname of a man wearing overalls who beat someone to death with a banjo.

   ...U.S. combat in Iraq officially over. I love Pres. Obama! He's the ONLY black guy I know who's kept his withdrawal promise!

   Wake up in the morning feeling like Luke Perry... Happy 90210 Day!

   Whenever I get a phone call that reads, "Unknown Name" on the caller ID, I have to resist the urge to answer, "Mitchell's Abortion Clinic, you make it, we scrape it, no fetus will beat us. How can I help you today?"

   I left a note in the coffee area at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn't found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.

   Happy 9.02.10! I'll see you at the Peach Pit...

   The next time someone calls you from a withheld number just answer it and say, "hello London sperm bank. You squeeze it - we freeze it!" ... See what happens.