Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just because I don't agree with your crazy-eyed opinion, does NOT mean I am "uninformed". Maybe you are "mis-informed".

   i recommend dancing around naked in your living room

   What's the differece between a spit and a swallow? Cab fare and a ring!

   PSA: Just remember fellas, if you are sleeping in some other dude's house, just realize, the one who sleeps closest to the door is most likely to catch the first bullet!

   It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

   wondering if fish pussies smell like people!?!

   OK Guys (and some of you girls). When someone says something to you and you're not sure what they say...don't just guess, ask so you don;t confuse "stay at my place, for play on my face!" It could be a little embarassing!

   Confused! My gf is complaining about tennis elbow and she doesn't even play tennis!

   Teacher: John why did you bring your cat to school today? John: (crying) I heard the postman tell mom "when the kid goes to school i'ma eat your (CENSORED).

   walking through ICU at a hospital dressed as the grim reaper

   How do you stop a fish from smelling? Plug it's nose

   I'm not sure what I like most about Woman's U.S. Open Tennis.... watching them play or... listening to them play :)

   Women say looks don't matter and all they want is a guy who is smart and funny. But all they end up doing is laughing at whatever the stupid good looking guy says.

   They should really outlaw cursive handwriting nowadays. Especially for the ones who can't spell.

   The jungle is only fun when you are on top of the food chain

   Mirror.. Mirror.. on the wall, out of all my Facebook friends who is the fairest of them all?

   i spend so much time on FB I might get married to someone on my friend list and host a FB wedding lol and Invite all my friend to the Fan Page lmao

   Dear Monday, nothing against you but I'm glad you almost over. Please ease traffic for me. Sincerely, THE TAILGATER.

   This fish smells familiar. I just can't put my finger on it.

   relationship status will changed from "married" to " It's complicated " about once a month.. I love my wife....