Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   knows where all the purses are!

   the guy at subway put the potato chips on my sandwich without me even asking. either he's stoned or he knows that I am

   Lumber companies have a lot of board meetings..

   6 out of 10 people wash their hands after using the bathroom, 4 out 10 use soap, 3 out of 10 actually wait for the water to get hot also.

   OH NO!!!! My purse is gone! How did they know where I keep it?

   If at first you don't succeed, try relaxing your jaw a little more.

   Just entered hour nine of an overly-dramatic sigh.

   How do you find will smith in the snow? Look for the fresh prints...

   nothing better than waking up to multiple "like"s on ur facebook status

   Wouldnt ot be nice if breast implants came with a squeaky toy inside them.

   Yeah :) ... I like it on Your shoulder ... and don't ever try to tell me to " hold it ! "

   Dear God, it's a new working week. When in trouble, please give me the strength & courage to use the lines once used by a visionary. "Sc**w you guys, I'm going home" - Sir Eric Cartman

   I like to think I'm an Edward, a really gay British Edward.

   Won employee of the month again! I love being self employed.

   going to buy a boat some day and name it "Cirrhosis of the River"

   ladies, regardless of where you like it...just don't ask us to hold it.

   So I'm a guy and would it make me gay if I put as my status, 'I like it on a hospital bed'? Just wondering.

   Ever since it all chaged ... it just hasn't been the same

   Ever it all changed .. it just hasn't been the same

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.