Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5617 of 6384
My decision to not hold the door for the person walking at a questionable distance behind me is usually met with immediate guilt as I bolt through the door and sprint ahead to widen the gap and justify my move.
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09-15-2010 18:53
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You know you're watching too much TV when you start recognizing commercial actors from other commercials.
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09-15-2010 18:50
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id rather check my facebook than face my checkbook!!!
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09-15-2010 18:35
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Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
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09-15-2010 18:08
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Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
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09-15-2010 18:07
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Riding through the aisles of Walmart on a scooter from the toy section wearing some Cookie Monster Tighty Whities, rainbow striped thigh high socks, wearing a construction hat and screaming FREE WILLIE while knocking over everything in site until loss pre
I'll put a bird bath in my yard when the birds install a car wash in my garage.
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09-15-2010 18:04
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If you are never scared, embarrassed or hurt, it means you never take chances.
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09-15-2010 18:02
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Close your eyes and think of something that you either want or need that would make you happy. Now open your eyes. Disappointing, isn't it?
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09-15-2010 17:54
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I would complain more about Monday, but there is still the rest of the week to mess up everything.
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09-15-2010 17:53
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I feel like life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
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09-15-2010 17:52
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I looked at my unmade bed this morning and decided it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.
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09-15-2010 17:51
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If it came down to it, I could probably survive on Skittles and beer.
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09-15-2010 17:35
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The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
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09-15-2010 17:34
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I can't decide what to swear today.
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09-15-2010 17:33
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I'm sure glad life gave me other photo opportunities after my high school yearbook portrait.
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09-15-2010 17:32
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I got sent home for inappropriate attire. Lady Gaga wore the SAME thing at the VMAs! Some people know nothing about fashion.
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09-15-2010 17:31
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Our children are really going to think we're old when they find out that we were born "before the Internet."
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09-15-2010 17:30
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Had a weird dream last night where people actually wanted to hear about other people's dreams.
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09-15-2010 17:29
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Him: For every cigarette you smoke I breathe in 50% of the smoke you do. Me: If that's the case, you owe me for a half a pack of cigarettes.
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09-15-2010 17:28
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