Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   how come Cheryl Cole is still using Ashley Coles last nite ,,,,what wrong with tweedy?

   Why won't facebook let me change my relationship status to "in an imaginary relationship with Milla Jovovich"?

   you cant enjoy a fight without a foam finger.. .

   They're going to be so pissed off in Chile when they get down the mine and only find Bart Simpson's walkie-talkie

   My girlfriend talks faster than the speed of sound. This explains why I never hear her.

   Ah Man! Nothing worse than seeing two flies fornicating on your fresh off the grill, 12 dollar ribeye steak.....Appetite gone.

   Headed to Lowe's. After what I just did in the bathroom, it's best we just build another one.

   - The biggest Lie Ever: "I have read the Terms and Conditions".

   Saw someone dressed in Darth Vader garb driving an old Honda Civic today. Apparently the recession has touched all corners of the universe.

   I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.

   It's time to give up jogging for your health when your thighs keep rubbing together and starting your pants on fire.

   The lies pornos tell...smh...Not every woman would f*ck some random guy at the door with a "special" package!!...and why doesnt he have shirt on??

   frolicking in the meadow over yonder.

   donating money to various GAY FRIENDLY groups in the name of the Westboro Baptist church.

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.

   "Don't Give a Crap Day" is tomorrow. But nobody gives a crap so there aren't any cards.

   If a person smiles all the time, they're probably selling something that doesn't work.

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

   How long before I can convince you all that it's my birthday again?

   Excuses: Elementary School - "He started it!" Middle School - "It was a dare!" High School - "I was drunk."