Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not really rude, she just says what everybody else is thinking.

   Rejection is tough, I heard that your hand fell asleep on you last night.

   If I offend you in any way, please let me know so I can do it again.

   Thinks that you should've been swallowed at conception.

   Has once again found why murder should be legal.

   What pisses you off more? The fact that I don't need you in my life...or that you can't have me in yours??

   Wonder's how far you could kick a midget?

   I respect you so much I salute you with 1 finger!

   What to do for Halloween!!! Dress up like Taylor Swift and B**** Slap Kanye

   feeding the cat extenze..

   how come Cheryl Cole is still using Ashley Coles last nite ,,,,what wrong with tweedy?

   Why won't facebook let me change my relationship status to "in an imaginary relationship with Milla Jovovich"?

   you cant enjoy a fight without a foam finger.. .

   They're going to be so pissed off in Chile when they get down the mine and only find Bart Simpson's walkie-talkie

   My girlfriend talks faster than the speed of sound. This explains why I never hear her.

   Ah Man! Nothing worse than seeing two flies fornicating on your fresh off the grill, 12 dollar ribeye steak.....Appetite gone.

   Headed to Lowe's. After what I just did in the bathroom, it's best we just build another one.

   - The biggest Lie Ever: "I have read the Terms and Conditions".

   Saw someone dressed in Darth Vader garb driving an old Honda Civic today. Apparently the recession has touched all corners of the universe.

   I read some article which said that the symptoms of stress are impulse buying, eating too much and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's what I call a perfect day.