Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I beg your pardon. I didn't recognize you. I've changed a lot.

   My wife said ''Why are you still staring at our marriage license!''..............''I am looking for an expiration date!!!!''

   My wife was watching a cooking show and I said ''Why are you watching that! You don't know how to cook!''..............She said ''Well you watch porn!!!!!!!!''

   remembers the good old days when, C0CK meant ROOSTER, PU$$Y meant CAT, MAKING OUT meant coming to a deduction, A$$ meant DONKEY, JUGS meant vessels to put liquid beverages in and COMING meant the opposite of GOING!.....DAH! times have really changed!

   I danced like no one was watching. Court date is pending...

   If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die because I wouldn't want to be me when that happens.

   If you're going to call your wifi network "Wireless", at least have the courtesy to make the password "password"

   I don't understand the Starbucks ordering language.

   There's no excuse for my behavior, so I'm drinking until I have one.

   My neighbor pays for the premium channels.

   My train of thought is derailed.

   I always feel awkward sitting around waiting for people to show up. That's why I'm always late. I don't care if you're late, just be less late than me.

   When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

   Is it just me or is "Top News" on Facebook more like "Old news that is mediocre"?

   out messing with sasquatch.

   new carrier goal is going to become a professional zombie hunter.

   zombie proofing the house today.

   Dear person sitting next to me in the stall... I can hear you playing a video game on your Blackberry and it's annoying the crap out of me. Well done!

   the difference between a paycheck and a blowj** is you don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck

   Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people.