Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering what the weather's like in India. I think i'll call AT&T.

   got to the bottom of the mountain of laundry and found my favorite sock I thought the dryer ate. Raising both fists in the air and giving a Gladiatorial roar of victory I soon discovered I washed my wallet.....

   I was suppose to let you all know the Procrastinators Club will meet last Thursday......

   I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous

   Just thinking of how confusing it would be to all the little tricker treaters if I dressed up as santa for Halloween, stood next to the Easter Bunny, and handed out eggs......

   My face is sore from making my angry face all day.

   Knows a way to keep NFL players from acting like sissies, give them all leather helmets to wear again.

   hates Pro Football, but I watched Betty White and Abe Vigoda in a backyard football game....Damn!..They sure can take a tough hit. Not like the NFL players.

   I wish I had a "friend with benefits." But the friend would own an ice cream store, and the benefits would be free ice cream.

   thinking some people are waste of space, and wonder why you even got them as friends on ur fb??!

   it takes six licks to get to the center of a tootsie roll tootsie pop! (with a slight crunch)

   what is 69 + 1? A threesome..

   Who says Obama's $870 Billion stimulus isn't creating job? About 50 house Republicans are gonna get a job because of it.

   One reason I hate politics is because of all the junk mail you get these days about one worthless candidate bashing the next about what a terrible job they are/would be doing. Personally I think they all suck. My name is John and I approve this message.

   i have no problem sacrificing for friends......... but it is hard to find a virgin and suitable altar

   Bought a pair of pajamas with pockets. Thank God, cause she use to have hold everything while she slept.

   Don't worry about what other people think because they rarely ever do.

   "Now, how's he gonna read that magazine all rolled up like that?"... thought the spider.

   Was asked if I really believe in zombies. I informed him that no, zombies are not real and that its just a pop culture thing. He then walked away pleased with answer I had given him. Now I can't wait to see the look on his face when the next zombie outbre

   Might get my balls botoxed today.