Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shall We Play a Game?

   Thinking rename the Weather Channel: " We are not even close about the weather Weather Channel"

   Confucius say: Man who run in front of car get tired, but man who run behind car get exhausted

   I turn the radio down when I drive by cops so there's no evidence of fun.

   ~Heidi Klum & I have resigned as Victoria's Secret models. I wanted you to hear this sad news directly from me and not your crazy neighbor Earle.

   You know you have a Facebook addiction if seeing the movie "The social network" is your Friday night fun!!

   "Give me a scotch. I'm starving."

   The man from U.N.C.L.E.

   Me: Did it hurt? Girl says: What, when I fell out of heaven? Me: No, when you got kicked out of hell for being too hotttt!!

   A baby first laughs at around 4 weeks of age. Of course, this is the same time its eyes begin to focus and can see you clearly.

   "Hey Dog the Bounty Hunter!" F#CK YOU!" Sincerely Waldo

   I really would've liked the movie about Facebook a whole lot more if it wasn't full of Farmville invites

   Facebook: You already know a person by looking at his/her profile even if you never met or talked to that person in your entire life

   I don't do cocaine. I just like the way it smells.

   "how much is an Eminem?" "50 Cent" "WHAT?! That's Ludacris! Black Eyed Peas are much cheaper. I can go get them at my granny's house. She lives 3 Doors Down." "Sweet! Let's take the Backstreet, Boys."

   I think Dora the explorer is on drugs! She never seems to know where to go next and spends all day talking to a map, a backpack and a monkey.

   If it wasn't for the fact that I had to pee, I'd never get out of bed

   making underwater sculputures of his boss.....oh look, some sinkers some floaters!

   has anyone seen ___________? He heard "Its Raining Men" on the radio and he ran outside with a huge grin on his face.

   Studies show it's okay for me to simply say "studies show" in front of anything and it becomes accepted as fact.