Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rise and shine Billie Joe Armstrong... It's October!

   It's only cheating if you get caught. Well, if you never get caught, you're stuck in two meaningless relationships.

   fixed a $2 toy with an $8 tube of glue. Because the rules of economics don't apply to parenthood.

   Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

   I get drunk and bid on ebay!

   I finally got my wireless internet to work...this is the best thing to happen to me since the negative pregnancy test...

   Whenever I accidentally enter a wrong room I like to yell out a large number before excusing myself and leaving. That way everyone is left with a mystery to discuss, such as "What the hell does 402 mean?"

   If I ever go blind, I'm going to set up my entire house with strobe lights. That will really freak out my neighbors.

   I'm not a fan of Keebler cookies, or for that matter, anything else made by dirty elves in an unsanitary hollowed-out tree factory

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

   Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

   A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

   A woman's work is never done. Which is probably why they don't make as much.

   playing Words With Foes

   Why do people keep telling me I need a positive attitude? I'm already positive I have an attitude.

   ...is now awesome. earlier I was just pretty damn amazing :)

   Can I borrow that quarter? Because my mom told me to call home when I fell in love.

   full of whimsical f*ckery

   what you would call an "Anit-Hero"

   a super hero, with NO powers of motivation.