Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is.....purified? Oh wait petrified, sorry it's not easy r

   The Eleventh Commandment : "Thou Shall Not Get Caught "

   The Name is Bond, Uni-Bond. I'm here to fill your crack!

   Toyota is just not doing it anymore, I think I feel safer in a GEO now days.

   wonders if the fake Irish accents on the Irish Spring commercials can sound anymore bogus , I've met a lot of people from Ireland and NONE of hem talked like that

   Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

   I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

   I never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing today. Thank you, TV Guide.

   Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

   still has Circus Peanuts left over from Halloween 1956. Yum!

   Mosquito's and women are alike, except a mosquito will stop sucking when you slap it....

   I get my energy from my inner-G

   every time I utilize paper towels regardless of the brand I always compare them to the quicker picker upper..

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.

   Power to the people who have freedom in their focus..

   trying to type correctly but lack of sleep and too much wine don't help

   use to be a dime or quarter..but now here's $50..buy a prepaid cell phone and call someone who cares

   On a scale of one to Kanye, how badly do you want to interrupt me?

   A girls r like a mosquito: when it stops making a noise,you know it's up to something.

   they guy from Sister Wives just married his 4th wife. WTH is this guy thinking?!?!?