Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook is the Hotel California of the new millennium. You can log out any time you like, but you can never leave.

   You work hard. You sacrifice. You fight injustice. You think you're making a difference.. Then you find out Snooki has a book deal.

   BREAKING NEWS: Entire Kardashian Family Diagnosed With "Attention Surplus Disorder".

   I wanna be a workaholic.. but workahol tastes like sh!t

   Had a great massage the other day, but I think I confused my masseuse by asking her for an "ambiguous, european-cinema-style ending."

   If I give you a nickel will you tickle my pickle

   I work hard for the money......maybe someday I'll get to see it and enjoy it.

   Lets face it tubby....YOUR FAT ! I am not going to sugar coat it,...cause you eat that to .

   "No I'm not a Jonas, brother I'm a grown up. No I'm not a virgin I use my cahonas." Jay-Z

   I don't know why people say that pornography is degrading to women. They're not the ones sat in front of a laptop with their trousers and pants round their ankles at three o'clock in the afternoon. I like this!

   Next dude I see on my newsfeed with a shirtless mirror pic is being defriended.. I dont care who you are

   You are so funny, but looks aren't everything!!

   I know you, what's your name???

   The best wife to have is somebody else's.

   These pills aren't addictive - I've been taking them for years.

   Why worry about the world ending today, Its tommorow in Japan.

   Don't make the same mistake your parents did...Use birth control! ;)

   I didn't lose my keys this time, I lost the whole d*mn car!

   you never really realise how sexy a nerd, dork or tomboy can be until you see them in a Halloween Costume.."

   Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.