Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Working with 4 women and married to another, I don't forsee being a polygamist anytime in my future

   I'm thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.

   Guess what? I've got a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell.

   Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila

   money isn't the key to happiness? then where is the key? hidden in a stupid box somewhere, like in Pirates Of The Caribbean?

   Breaking News... President Obama travels to India to visit former American jobs...

   The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   You hate me? I didn't even know you existed.

   I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

   Dear complicated life decisions: be easier.

   Dear Week, I am leaving you for the Weekend. I would say it's not you, it's me, but let's face it, it was you. Sincerely, Me

   There's a fine line between looking tan and looking like you rolled in a bag of Doritos.

   my sub teacher in 11th grade was born without arms, he asked a girl "need a hand" & she laughed ..he should of slapped her!

   Don't tell other people your problems. 90% of people don't care, and the other 10% are glad you have them.

   Not a good idea to Text/tweet and walk at the same time. Trust me, the pole is closer than you think...

   i thought I saw you today, but as I got closer, I realized it was a trash can

   Remember, a doggie isn't just for Christmas... it's a f-kin good position all year round!

   Raining cats and dogs.....Why can't it rain cougars amd beavers?

   Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file from smallest to tallest? What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?

   If I could take it all back right now, I wouldn't..i would have done more sh@t that people said that I shouldn't..