Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For Halloween I'm going to be a 6. Who wants to be my 9?

   You know that feeling when you lean back in your chair and almost fall over? I feel like that ALL the time.

   ....so next time your in Home Depot or Menards buying somthing BIG... like a couple sheets of plywood or something....with a straight face.... ask them if you can get some help putting the items in your Smartcar...the look is priceless

   Dear washing machine, I am all for fighting breast cancer, in-fact I have offered to be a buddy for the buddy check, but turning my socks pink… Come on!

   my 2nd wind seems to be fanning the fire of the candle I am burning at both ends

   So, Monday... we meet again. Are you going to play nice this time or do I have to knock you into next week?

   I don't have an attitude. I have a personality you can't handle.

   No one can ruin your day without your permission.

   Why does Samsung think I want a TV that can update my Facebook status?

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like giving yourself a high five in public...not a good look.

   The worst things in life are also free.

   What happens in Vegas (losing your money) stays in Vegas (all your money).

   If all of your Facebook pictures are tiny, people think you're retarded.

   I'm trying to remain humble but I'm the most famous person in my living room right now.

   Girls want a lot of things from one guy. Conversely, guys want one thing from a lot of girls.

   Payroll for 53 over-hyped players: $168 Million, Big a$$ stadium: $1.6 Billion, Getting the Superbowl to that stadium: $100 million Everybody knowing that you spent all that money and your team STILL sucks: Priceless : D

   i'm not an alcoholic the world just feels better when i'm drunk

   I am so abjective... I verb nouns.

   SHUT COMPUTER DOWN... go outside... AND MEET SOMEONE!

   put your big girl panties on... and DEAL WITH IT!