Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   playing Call of Doodie

   AR15 rifle with scope- $1,600, 900 Rds of Lake City XM193 AF 5.56 loaded in 30 magazines $600, Emergency food suplies $1000, Cost of everything during the zombie apocalypse = Priceless

   The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills should be renamed Rich MILFs

   so awesome that "The Most Interesting Man in The World" is jealous.

   One day my ex-wife asked me if her new jeans made her butt look big, I said I don't know, let me jog around back there and check. Hence the ex-wife.

   As much as your kids are at my house, you should pay me child support.

   I think it is funny as hell. Then again I love my own brand of comedy!!

   You should not clean a gun while loaded....Unless you're wiping off fingerprints!!

   hard at work trying to crate train my hamster but, he just doesn't get it...so ive decided to train him to use the litter box!!! and who better to teach him than my cat.....

   Sex is like Spades...If you don't have a good partner, you have to have a good hand.

   sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish shop

   I had a serious talk with my crew supervisor today, because nobody showed up for work. I told him we needed to let ONE go not JUAN...

   halfway through eating a horse and realized... I'm not as hungry as I thought

   ...yikes! saw a bunch of vegetarian zombies at the store today. all they could say was "GRRRAAAIIIIIINNNSSS"

   if at first you don't succeed, try again until you bleed

   My Dad took the "how horny are you ? " test. the result was "very horny" and my mom clicked the like button. - I'm so not sleeping at home tonight...

   Famous last words, "Here, watch this!" Says a child just before demonstrating how an egg soaked in vinegar will bounce.

   Remember when you were a kid and used to blow bubbles? Well Bubbles called and he wants your phone number...

   playing Call of Booty

   Physicists have yet to explain why 200 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only three registers will be open