Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I'd have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

   wants to open a combination Spanish and Italian restaurant and call it "Que Pasta"

   theres no I in gangbang

   my wife cant wrestle but you should see her box.

   the most humiliating walk of shame includes a Halloween costume...smile

   I was going to post about being paranoid, but I'm afraid that will lead them straight to me!

   Stans' Rule #39: When showering at a guest house and your not 100% sure about the towel, DON'T dry your face. Doing so may lead to resentful feelings of said guest!

   Day after Halloween party at my place for the ladies. Come to my house in a hot sexy costume for tricks or treats or both. ;0)

   Chills and they're multiplying

   Did you hear the one about the woman who was sexually attracted to electronic devices? She blew a fuse.

   texting with Jenn Sterger.

   I'm extending Halloween one MORE day for everyone. I talked to your boss, (s)he said no problem as long as you come to work in a slutty costume.

   How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.

   Ummmm excuse me to my lovely US of A buddies but here in Australia the word "FANNY" means a completely different thing....so when you ask me if I use a fanny pack just remember this for future reference PMSL

   it's so cold outside that all the politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

   :: The Twilight saga - it's like Star Wars for chicks ;)

   I bet you Randy Moss wishes he could be traded again.

   ‎25yr old Wayne Rooney celebrates his £250,000 a week pay deal sippin pink champagne in a hot pool in Dubai. Over in Afghanistan a 24yr old soldier is sippin warm water for not much more than £250 a week,in a hostile country surrounded by people who w

   Halloween - the one day of the year peadophiles get home delivery