Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you gotta have a Jimmy Carter before you can have a Ronald Reagan.

   They say the universe is expanding...shouldn't that ease up the traffic?

   lesson of the day ; never sneeze while you pee

   I can rise, and I can shine... I just can't do both at the same time.

   Trust me when I say its better to walk in on both of your parents making love than just one of them !

   I have discovered that there are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side, and then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.

   "Just Gonna Stand There And Watch Me Burn, Well That's Alright Because I Like The Way It Hurts" - Joan of Arc

   Can we go one day without hearing about the Vikings drama! Moss, Favre, Childress, Harvin, etc.... Fire Childress and get it over with Ziggy! He sucks as a coach anyway.

   Don't forget to change your clocks on Sunday. And while you're at it, make those changes for the better in your life that you've been putting off.

   Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of dying he sings..

   "You know you've been tagged in a photo on Facebook when there you've got more than 17 Notifications from people you don't know commenting on a photo of you.

   can't stand it when someone posts some spoiling info about a movie I haven't seen yet.

   YOU'RE just another brick in the Facebook wall!

   The average penis length of a man is 5 1/2 inches. The average penis length of a man who googles "penis length" is 3 1/2 inches.

   I'm so miserable without you, it's almost as if you were here.

   in America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary

   Ever think about some of the things we say? Exactly how does a person "turn up misssing"?

   why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable... Like a coma.

   At what point does CPR become necrophilia?

   Sure you can have my phone number. It's like having a direct line to God. But better. Because I answer.. .