Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just when you think you have buried the past, They find another Body...

   I guess as long as all participants are over 18, I'm okay with Cyber Monday...

   I am not afraid of heights... I am afraid of widths.

   ...When she walked away her ass looked like 2 midgets fighting under a blanket.

   If you can't laugh at yourself... I will gladly do it for you.

   I wore a leather jacket and a lady said a cow was murdered for that... I said so you were a witness now I have to kill you too.

   Dear Lord, Please give us back Leslie Neilson and will let you have Justin Beiber, Richard Simmons, or Snooki......your pick

   WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

   Two Beer or not Two beer. William ShakesBEER

   It's not easy being humble when you're flawless.

   If vegetarians love animals so much, why do they eat all their food?

   Life is less like a box of chocolate and more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

   I don't know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.

   Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

   MONDAY: Mentally Overworked, Nauseated, Dysfunctional And Yucky

   alright ladies...time to put down the booze n get busy on theses dishes...

   "Nice Beaver." Simple, yet effective. RIP Leslie Nielsen. Your classic comedy movies will continue to make us laugh.

   heard that frank Drebin died today. It couldnt have been Nordberg that killed him because OJ doesnt kill people

   The camera adds 10 pounds. Reality adds 20.

   Leslie Neilsen died?! Surely you can't be serious?!