Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you want sympathy? look it up in the dictionary, its right between sh*t and syphilis.

   you have more problems than a math book.

   Someone please tell me why in the hell someone would open a tanning salon in an all black neighborhood?

   It dosen't mtetar in waht oredr the lettres in a wrod are. The olny imtorpant thnig is taht the frist and lsat leettr be in the rhgit palce. The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can stlil raed it wihtout peoblrm.

   The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

   I hate when girls show there muffin top and still think there sexy

   Easy Bake Oven, Teaching Girls Their Place Since 1963

   Girls have more guy friends because they cause less drama

   Sarcasm is a dish best served instantly.

   Mother Nature is blowing everyone tonight.

   "Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison."

   If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing with my winnings is hiring Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.

   its Wednesday...How about a mercy hump?

   This vacuum has amazing suction, but no respect for my safe word.

   I am obsessed with Morgan Freeman's voice. I want him to narrate my inner monologue.

   With Ireland having a trouble these days, I say we should come up with a St Pattys Day in December. All profits will go to bail out Ireland!

   wondering about Over under on the WikiLeak punk 'making friends' with his prison cell mate? I'll open the line at 1 month.

   If your on a dating website and didn't post a picture of yourself. It should be mandatory to disclose the amount of teeth you will show up with in you mouth on the first date.

   My vacuum cleaner bag says to change every 30-60 days. Here, I always thought it was 30-60lbs...

   just sharpening a pencil to make a point.