Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you just gotta say "What is your major malfunction numb-nuts?"

   #891... you didnt inbox me a number but I've always wanted to say this to you. Your depressing posts piss me off to no end! You need a haircut, I dont think he loves you anymore either, and I really dont give a Shi! what adorable trick your cat did today!

   Coffee's poured? Check. Facebook's running? Check. So far so good. Now I'm ready for the day to go to hell as usual.

   I have been hit hard with the "Your kids will turn out just like you" curse!

   Realizes that the trouble with jogging is...by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back.

   Its called investigating - NOT stalking!!

   The best revenge is success, or laxatives in cookies. ;)

   Don't text and walk at the same time. Trust me, that street lamp is closer than you think...

   They said not to sniff markers, but then they made scented ones...

   sits and wonders....if I was a bird, who would I crap on first...

   Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

   just got a letter from The Man in Red "You have been placed on the naughty list....permanently" I can't say this was unexpected.

   Why do we protect movie ticket nerds behind 4inches of glass and a bank teller with only a pen on a chain?

   getting so cold in school that some black guys are actually begining to pull their pants up. Wow!!

   In a meeting: "Let me reiterate what was just said" can be translated to "I have nothing productive to add but I like the sound of my own voice and think I'm important so I think I need to waste 5 more minutes of all your days"

   Dear Santa, Last year I asked for and received your list of naughty girls, It was fun but I think I am past that point in my life. This year I would like to receive your list of good girls with naughty tendencies!

   The hot nurse wants to take a blood sample. If I can get some back into my veins, I'll oblige her.

   Seriously, I put seriously at the beginning of the sentence to make me sound more serious even when I'm not.

   To all females that got a message from me that said "Hell yes....When & where?" I'm sorry,that was before I knew about this numbers game.In my defense,what was I supposed 2 think when you sent me a message that just said "69"? I thought you were asking me

   Send me your credit card # and brand to my inbox and I'll post what I bought myself with your money.