Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate to see my food go to waist.

   has done the mathematical calculations... Tuesday is the humpday of a 3-day work week.

   it costs 50 Cent to buy 2Pac's of Eminems...which is Ludacris!

   Mr. Peanut's last words: Bye, dear. Back in a Jif.

   says that "I call 'em like I see 'em" loosely translated to "Im a douchebag, deal with it"

   Morning cardio routine: Stretch. Gravity Hand Slam on snooze button. Pull arm back under covers. Roll over. Wait 9 Minutes. Repeat

   So my teenage kids can just about do anything with a any phone or computer or camera. When I was that age I thought I was cool because I had a new cordless phone that stored 10 numbers, and I could sit outside with it within distance

   overheard in the Oval Office: "If Bristol Palin wins tonight, we bomb Alaska in 10 minutes."

   Typos: The cause of many trivial arguments.

   does anybody actually say "booyah" anymore? I think those letters should be separated and granted restraining orders against each other

   I was watching 100 sexiest men on E! last night, and when then got to number 1 my TV turned into a mirror. *wink wink*

   loves the wind in my hair, the sun shining on my face while horseback riding. oh damn...i need another quarter

   Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   You know its going to be a rough day when you wake up on the wrong side of someone else's bed and don't remember how you go there.

   am addicted. I bought all the iPhone,iPad,iTouch...now iBroke,ihomeless and iRegret.

   my fripples are nozen.

   Heard a dude in the stall next to me in the Walmart Bathroom say "There can be only One".. He is either a Highlander or he needs some more toilet paper.......

   Got a friend request the other day from someone I didn't know. Checked out her friends list to see a connection and she had a collection of Corey's. Scary, she wanted me to become her 312th Corey friend in her Corey collection.........Makes me a little un

   Millions of theorems derived, thousands of formulas created but the fact remains the same. "X" is still unknown! Dammit!

   Justin Bieber won Artist of the Year at the American Music Awards. **snaps fingers** Mmm Hmmm You Go Girl!!