Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked my daughter to make a list of things she wants from Santa, and her reply was "I don't need to make Santa a wish list, daddy. He's been watching me all year...he knows what I want!" I'm &#%ked.

   facebook went down...so I had sex, ate a sandwich and VIOLA! its back! Luck of the Irish!

   My Dad asked me what I wanted for Xmas tonight. I told him a gift certificate from Adam and Eve so I could get that swing set. He said he thought the kids were a bit old for it but he said he would look it up online. Boy is he in for a surprise.....

   FaceBook was shut down for 10min today.I could only imagine the baby boom to come in 9 months from now...

   Facebook creator Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Man of the Year. Ironically, Facebook has been named Time Waster of the Year.

   Classified Ad: Looking for a new Stadium and a new Quarterback.

   How ironic. Mark Zuckerberg (facebook creator) is Time Man of the Year. And Facebook is the thing that takes all our time!

   I haven't cooked for myself in a while, and that was a delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

   I don't know if I'm liking this "new facebook" but I guess that's what we all said when we left myspace. It's weird how FB keeps changing stuff and it eventually becomes 'normal'. Still no dislike button though.

   It's so cold outside right now that angry drivers are flipping each other the mitten!

   Only one year away from everyone status' reminding us that we only have a few days left to live on Earth! It's not funny now, and it won't be funny then!

   When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing

   People who say they give 110% are not only c0cky, but incredibly bad at math. 110% is impossible, you idiot.

   Today I told my car it's okay for it to tell me if it's a transformer. It didn't answer. I figure it's just waiting for the right moment.

   Only the good die young. So most of us are pretty safe.

   I'm so broke after Christmas shopping this New Year's I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.

   Just signed all my Facebook friends up for free samples of Astroglide. Happy Holidays!

   There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.

   If you don't do foolish things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile about when you're old.

   Although your check in at Taco Cabana makes me hungry, we DO NOT need to know your pin point location on a daily basis. Unless your out of town or at a cool strip club, keep your daily errands to yourself.