Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Something seems to be wrong with my butt today, as I can't seem to get off of it.

   The oldest written recipe is for beer. Even when most people couldn't read or write, they knew they had to mark that down somehow.

   Kids, when I was your age, the ENTIRE family shared one phone, and it was attached to the kitchen wall by a cord. We couldn't even update our Facebook status from it.

   The only good thing about having your mother as a FB friend is that no matter how bad your status update bombs in your attempt to be funny, you can always count on her to "like' it

   Drinking won't solve your problems, but it will give you lots of interesting new ones.

   I just coughed and sneezed at the same time, I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.

   I really wish I hadn't heard that, I would be so much happier not knowing.

   Gonna try grocery shopping drunk. Can't believe I've never thought if this before.

   Tortilla chips - aka The Mexican Fork

   When picking out a name for your kid make sure it's something you won't mind saying a BILLION times.

   Who would win: Twenty years of experience combined with specialized professional training vs. Google?

   I just learned that to burn off the calories from 1 M&M you have to walk the length of a football field. BRB I have to run to China.

   Any one can stay true to your face, it's the people who stay true behind your back that really count.

   "I'll give you a TKO from Tokyo!" ~ Piston Honda

   I'll take the high road but only after taking a little joy ride on the low road to leave tread marks behind.

   feels like an Atari 2600 in a Playstation 3 world.

   How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face! Duh!

   It's hard to maintain good eye contact with a cute pedestrian once she slips beneath your wheel.

   Today is the last day of fall. Raking leaves through this snow was a real pain today.

   says "Water Under the Bridge should stay under the Bridge!"