Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   Writing. Like. This. Doesnt. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

   Mom: I've been here four hours and you haven't put your phone down once. How do you always miss my calls?

   At what point did the police change their motto from, "To Serve and Protect" to "To Pester and Annoy?"

   God, give back Bob Marley and take Justin Bieber instead

   please remember to drive safely, responsibly n a bit slower than how fast your guardian angel can fly

   Dear future politicians, If one of you promises to synchronize a few traffic signals around here, you'll get my vote. Sincerely, Taxpayer #317.

   Ahhhh nothing like a cigarette and kicking back with your feet up after a rigerous workout with the Shake Weight

   I almost touched my toes, a year ago I couldn't even see them. #ExerciseIsGood

   The situation in N. Korea has caused 0bama to elevate his mood from "concerned" to "really concerned". Next step: "Super-duper concered", but only if it doesn't offend any Asian-American-Asians-of-Asian-Decent.

   Bill Clinton Joins Cast of The Hangover 2

   There are more woman than men in mental hospitals... which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

   Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

   Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

   Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

   Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.

   hates getting texts or calls on my iphone it interrupts my game, don't call me!

   I expect 2011 AMA performances will include Taylor Swift, Justin Bieber and supergroup N*KOTBSB 182 Degrees...

   got his test results back this morning and is shocked to find that he's been diagnosed with OCD. He's called the doctors nine times to check if they're correct....

   I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case...