Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When your dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

   You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day

   definitely prefers to be the gobblee than the gobbler... I'm stuffed.

   looking for my SHAKE-WEIGHT, so I can work off all this FOOD!!!

   thankful for everyone celebrating Thanksgiving...to only true American Christian holiday. God bless you all!

   enjoys seeing white guys with Chinese girlfriends, because he knows they're saving big bucks on massages.

   having a "foodgasm".

   Deja F*** U! to the guy who keeps posting those things.

   just woke from a 2.5 hour tryptophan-induced coma.

   expecting life to treat you fairly because you're a good person is like expecting the bull not to charge at you because you're a vegetarian.

   has finish with the Wild Turkey on the rocks for lunch, and moved on to Grey Goose straight up for Thanksgiving Dinner. this is just Fowl

   Just think, had the Indians given the Pigrim's a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ASS today instead of some damn bird!

   thankful for the makers of Lysol

   you can post the Ten Commandments in the courthouse, if you let us post the statutes regarding child molestation in your church

   thankful for unlimited text messages.

   These leftovers are gonna taste great in 3 hours.

   Thanksgiving: Stuff the bird, make some stuff, stuff the tables with the stuff you made, and last...(trumpet sounds)...stuff your FACE! ... You just made those trumpet sounds, didn't ya???

   Women are like police, they can have all the evidence in the world but they still want a confession.

   On Thanksgiving, I always like to pretend, as I'm driving down empty roads and parking lots, that I lived through a zombie apocalypse.