Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - Why is it that if a guy proposes to a girl and she's refuses it's called 'wanting her freedom' and when a girl proposes to a guy and he refuses, it's called 'being scared of commitment'. =|

   Ctrl+V...Ruining every sense of originality since its invention.

   OK Santa I followed your stupid rules all year...it was hard not killing anyone or punching anyone in the face but I did it.....so If Milla Jovovich isn't under my tree this year you'll be first on the hit list Fat Man!

   I've Decided To Get MARRIED :All Women May Now FORM AN ORDERLY LINE...... .. Only The Most Beautiful Or The Very Rich Women Need Apply . . Please Send Me A Private Message With Your Photo or A copy Of Your Bank Balance ,The Winner Will Notified By email

   wonders if vampires feed on diabetics when they feel like having candy!

   What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench? The NBA

   I don't care who you are, fatso, get that sleigh, and those reindeer, off my roof!

   Santa better take me off the naughty list or I will black out the moon on Monday night.

   Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing been complaining?

   Just drank a sugar free, caffeine free, soda. I'm so happy that they finally found a way to bottle nothing but nasty aftertaste.

   Am I the only one that flips back and forth like a little kid when I discover 2 radio stations playing the same song?

   Doin the same thing I do every night...Try to take over the world!

   If I had a dollar for everytime that I wished I had a dollar......

   My Girlfriend told me to help her find a job that shows off her best qualities. I got her an application for Subway.

   Word to the wise... Sending an engagement request to your girlfriends facebook is not a good way to propose

   thinks spell check is for the week

   finding himself saying "never eat soggy worms," to remeber my easts and wests

   was surprised to receive a compliment about his VW Jetta today - especially at a Mazda/GM car dealership. The salesman said: "Well German engineering, you can't go wrong. I just can't believe they killed so many Jews. You have a Merry Christmas."

   Nothing brings out the worst in human nature like a crowded mall. :) I can't wait to start Christmas shopping!

   WISHES my clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves.