Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   your crush ignoring your text messages? They're playing hard to get, start showing up at their Facebook check-in locations.

   is excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

   Dear God, When I was young I said always wanted to be a hip-hop rapper...Not a Christmas gift wrapper...in a mall...on a rainy Wednesday. FML

   feels a bit down today, because another great idea has been ruined...because of Hitler, children with ADD will have no where to go this summer.....Concentration Camp is closed until further notice....

   Xmas idea. Mistletoe tied to my belt buckle. Hope this works.

   if you have been naughty this Christmas be happy if you get coal...there are blind snowmen out there that would kill for it!

   My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures

   Just to you let you all know, having a conversation under someone's post is annoying!!

   This bagel with "everything" is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.

   Algebra, Chemistry, and Physics, are a few things that have driven more women to the poles than the Suffrage movement...

   there a defragment program for your brain?

   Thanks for the xmas card with your kids who I don't even know ..standing with some dog....that I didnt know you had....with some lady.. ..im guessing is your wife.....Merry xmas to you to!

   I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die

   I asked Santa for Natalie Portman for Christmas. He said "No, you'll shoot her eye out".

   (phone vibrates) *runs across room* *jumps over couch* *fights off ninja* *grabs phone* "damn, I thought you were some else!"

   friends are like boobs...some are real, some are fake...sometimes its hard to tell the real ones from the fake ones

   Why Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOUR car!

   A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. The flight attendant asks, "Are these your kids?" The man replies, " no, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!"