Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   because I have a life. because its been proven that facebook is time consuming and useless. I have to log off............. I'll be back in 30 min.

   gives her friends permission to change her status to "is chilling with Jesus" after she dies

   starting to think that Santa's just not that into me...

   Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas, Mommy and Daddy are mad. I'm getting nuttin' for Christmas 'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad

   They're making everything bigger these days. This bus is at least twice as big as the one I rode as a kid.

   I don't jog for the same reason you don't see dump trucks running in the Indy 500...I know my limits.

   A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to catch up

   It kind of sucks living in Detroit this Christmas. The economy has hit us so hard, I heard Haiti was organizing a fund raiser for us

   Chevy Chase has been getting that Christmas tree for over 20 years. You'ld think he would finally remember a saw.

   I bet two thousand years ago, people were pretty psyched for 11

   ıɟ ʎon ɔɐu ɹǝɐp ʇɥıs ʎon ɯnsʇ qǝ ɐs qoɹǝp ɐs ı ɐɯ˙

   just passed a holiday cocaine drug bust. It looks like some people are gonna be denied a white Christmas this year.

   loves how Christmas movies capture the holidays in a way everyone typically experiences. In two hours: greedy men become charitable; enemies settle their differences; women fall in love with the unattractive nerd; and an angel get its wings.

   just wanted to let everybody know that she is Okay! I know it scared me on the radio when I first heard the rumors, But I Called her and she is fine.. My Grandma did not get run over by a Reindeer!"

   Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a

   I just bumped into my sexy neighbour. She said, "Hows the little one, getting big I expect?" I said, "Yep, it must be the f-kin tight tops you wear!".

   Holiday Recipe #64: To make the perfect holiday punch...just mix 2 bottles of ice cold Grey Goose with 10 shots of red food coloring and serve over green ice,

   The most craziest thing happened to me today...a snowman came up to me and said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Unbelievable right!?! My birthday is clearly in September! Stupid snowmen....

   When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. ....Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

   received a drinking game for Christmas from the woman that used to be my therapist. She told me once I had a drinking problem… Job Security maybe?