Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   feels like an Atari 2600 in a Playstation 3 world.

   How do you wake up Lady Gaga? Poke her face! Duh!

   It's hard to maintain good eye contact with a cute pedestrian once she slips beneath your wheel.

   Today is the last day of fall. Raking leaves through this snow was a real pain today.

   says "Water Under the Bridge should stay under the Bridge!"

   Just once I would like to begin my Christmas shopping before December 24th

   Jack Frost nipped my nose, so I hit him in the snowballs!

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.

   "When they're not fighting or racing light cycles, I'll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support" -Conan OBrien

   Got caught with a beer while driving... Who would have thought they would pull over a schoolbus.

   i'm not a back buner meal for no one,, i'm the main course or you don't eat...

   Dear Santa, Don't listen to any of my Facebook friends. I have been a perfect angel, I swear.

   looking forward to the Lunar Eclipse tonight. I considered having a viewing party and inviting all the witches I know. But then I realized having all my ex's in the same location is probably not a good idea.

   gonna have to go fight the holiday crowds at Wal-Mart. hmm.. Long Bow or Broad Sword?

   The Lunesta commercials amuse me. It seems that enough people have taken a sleeping pill and then said "Well, I better go jump on that bulldozer and get some work done." That they feel it's necessary to tell people NOT to do it...

   Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.

   You know ur up too early when someone tells you "Good morning" and all you can do is think "if this mo fo says one more thing to me I'm gonna stab them in the neck with a pencil".....

   just got my Xmas wishlist back from Santa with a little note attached... It said "LMAO! HELL NO!!!!

   Save as: "fjhdsk" ... The file "fjhdsk" already exists ... "fjhdsk 2".

   The night before my friend's wedding he asked me how "IT" was done. I told him to take the thing he plays with and put it where she pees. On his wedding night he took his guitar and tossed it in the sink.