Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Curiosity killed the heroine Cat

   It should no longer be cranberry sauce, it is cranberry jell-o... Sauce does not retain the shape of the can

   I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months. I don't like to interrupt her.

   Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school — you'll be working for them in the future.

   usually enjoys Black Friday shopping after he's eaten a heapin' helping of baked beans and broccoli.

   changing the name of my ipod to "The Titanic" so when I plug it into my computer it will say "The Titanic is syncing."

   did Superfly's family have "jive turkey" yesterday?

   some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

   It's better to be with no one than to be with the wrong one

   Forgiving is not forgetting, it is letting go of the hurt.

   Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-laws peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

   Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon...everything's different.

   Face book keeps trying to get me to "meet up with local singles" I'm thinking how about NO Scott. seems to me like that could easily turn out to be a really really bad decision. lol watch out!! that beautiful 5'10 blonde with blue eyes might really be a 4

   It's normal for kids to play 'doctor.' Start worrying if you find them playing 'airport security.'

   Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

   Nobody really cares if you're miserable, so you might as well be happy.

   You don't die from a broken heart - you only wish you did.

   There's a girl in my mirror crying tonight, and there's nothing I can say to make her feel alright.

   Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

   To all the people who think they don't need deodorant: What in the world would make you think that?