Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wishes there was an app that let you reach threw the computer and slap people..

   How many people have gone to bed so angry with someone you've pretended to have a nightmare , just so you can roll over and punch them in the head??

   So many fun things to say.....too many relatives on Facebook to post!!

   who else wakes up in the morning and checks their Facebook like its the morning newspaper??

   It's too bad you don't get any sexual satisfaction out of being screwed over all the time. I would be set for life!!!

   it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...no money, pretty stressed, freezing cold and running nose!

   thinks that if you see someone healthy parking in a handicapped zone, when they exit their car, you should be able to make an honest person out of them!

   I'm not offended by what you say. I'm just glad that you're stringing words into sentences now.

   "Hey Mary, what is this I hear about you having sex with God for money?" "Oh. Nothing. I was just trying to make a little prophet."

   your crush ignoring your text messages? They're playing hard to get, start showing up at their Facebook check-in locations.

   is excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   Forget about the past, you can't change it. Forget about the future, you can't predict it. Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

   Dear God, When I was young I said always wanted to be a hip-hop rapper...Not a Christmas gift wrapper...in a mall...on a rainy Wednesday. FML

   feels a bit down today, because another great idea has been ruined...because of Hitler, children with ADD will have no where to go this summer.....Concentration Camp is closed until further notice....

   Xmas idea. Mistletoe tied to my belt buckle. Hope this works.

   if you have been naughty this Christmas be happy if you get coal...there are blind snowmen out there that would kill for it!

   My definition of a perfect storm is one that keeps the relatives from coming to visit

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures

   Just to you let you all know, having a conversation under someone's post is annoying!!

   This bagel with "everything" is seriously lacking in truffle oil, sprinkles, the blood of my enemies and the stolen dreams of children.