Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

   If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

   Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

   Wishing the King a happy 76th Birthday, where ever he is.....

   Unemployment rate falls to 9.4% and the U.S. economy added 103,000 jobs in December. This means 102,993 can now spend more time on Twitter!

   going to put doves in his coat in case he gets mugged, gotta keep things interesting...

   Let's say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you'd take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?

   You should never laugh at mentally challenged people,.. it's just not cooI, I have feelings too!

   The AVN Awards (adult videos) is being held this Sunday in Las Vegas, NV; though it's a hard time for the movie industry, there no losers just wieners.

   One of the greatest advantages about having a child in diapers is that there is always a constant supply of Desitin for the mornings after I ate some wings or Mexican food.

   everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

   "I am, is the shortest sentence in the English language, funny how "I do" is the longest!!

   If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember... you can always change your birthday on Facebook

   a guys favorite line to a female "we'll just lie here and cuddle"

   just risked a car accident to type this...

   I always thought differently than the other kids in school. Teacher asked us if we could be any animal we wanted what would we be. I said, "A Bird". Teacher said, "So you can fly"? I said, "No, so my sh*t can be white".

   Let my friends talk me into smokin "chronic" for the first time last night but I prob. should've skipped my Ambien dose. Apparently, I started and completed my first book.."101 Ways to Prepare Succulent Penguin"...I didn't even know you could eat Penguin

   The only phrase I remember growing up was, "Don't put your hands back there!".

   war does not determine who's right, only who's left

   gots 99 problems and a fifth of rum. Problems solved.