Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the Advil bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   There is a chemical in weed called "F**k it" ---- guess that explains my attitude.

   Some people measure success by the position one has mastered in life....mines doggy....

   Today I connected all the freckles on my a$$ it's spells out MAMBO#5.. Clearly I am The Chosen One...

   thinks that the older I get , the more young people look the same...That, or Justin Bieber just delivered my nespaper.

   Wish life could be simple like the good ol' days. Like page 756!

   I cheated on my fears, broke up with my doubts, got engaged to my faith and now I'm marrying my dreams.

   Shhhhhhhhhhh, you had me at "open bar" :-)

   Jordan says, "I'm devastated, Alex has left a gaping hole in my life." Come off it Katie that's been there since your early teens!

   I want to shoot and eat a lion. Not for his meat. But for his powers.

   i want to be a bird so dat I can poop anywhere and on anyone I want

   In Vegas, Charlie Sheen was hanging out with 3 porn stars.. Good to see he's trying to cut back.

   lets play a game. I will be Burger King and you be McDonalds. I'll have it my way and you will be lovin' it!

   Its not a hangover - its wine flu.

   Dear "Slim Fast" -- You aren't fast enough.

   I'm on a 30 day diet. So far I've lost 15 days.

   Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex boyfriend I will be there lol

   i cant get addicted I use a bong it filters all the addictive stuff....dale pinapple express

   I might not be a great example, but I'm one hell of a good warning....

   Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.