Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife says to husband: "u make love like you decorate." Husband: "How, very slow and like a professional?" Wife:" Nope, I always have to finish the job myself."

   Hope that your Life is long and useful, Like a roll of toilet paper.

   Do more than belong.. Participate! Do more than care.. Help! Do more than believe.. Trust! Do more than be fair.. Be kind! Do more than forgive.. Forget! Do more than dream.. Work! Life keeps going, be part of it..

   When I asked "How are you?" it was rhetorical.

   This kid at the store is screaming so loud that I think I just became sterile.

   90% of the time when I say "brb" it just means I don't want to talk to you anymore

   Cracks in the concrete are just reminders that you can fall apart no matter how strong you are.

   I hate liars, but I love a good bedtime story.

   If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.

   I've always wanted to spin around in a chair and say: "I've been expecting you."

   Thank you for pretending not to see me, when I pretended not to see you

   I hate doing laundry so much that I wait until the only thing I have left to wear is my Halloween Costume/

   some days I wake up all ready to take on the world!! Today is NOT one of those days

   Lindsay Lohan is spending the holidays in rehab, poor girl..no friends..no family, no drugs..no alcohol..I'm just sayin!!

   Do more than belong.. Participate! Do more than care.. Help! Do more than believe.. Trust! Do more than be fair.. Be kind! Do more than forgive.. Forget! Do more than dream.. Work! Life keeps going, be part of it.. =)

   Just realized that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a reindeer.

   Im not an angry person...but that chick singing christmas carols in the hyundai commercial makes me want to punch a sleeping baby in the face!!!!

   Lindsay Lohan? Yeah, I'd hit that......in the face....with a shovel.

   Officially became an organ donor today. Unfortunately, instead of saving anyone, I think they'll probably just be used for those "after" pictures

   An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.