Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Vegetarian is an old Indian word meaning "bad hunter."

   You want me on your wall! You need me on your wall!

   The next person that says asks me "Think we got enough snow?" shall be given an epic whitewash.

   If you havent practice your alibi in front of the mirror, you haven't been in-love.

   Can't believe Obama's speech cut into Modern Family... Put him on PBS where no one cares!

   Just drank enough NyQuil to sedate a family of hippos....

   I hate when I can't understand what I'm eavesdropping on.

   with some people I wouldn't even pee on if they were on fire, in fact I'd take out a marsh mellow and enjoy.

   We are in for such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual and so far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared, Are you all OK?

   gonna rock your WALL!

   life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain, and then get struck by the light

   while it's true that skinny girls freeze to death faster in the winter, it is also true that fat girls die alone.

   If you insist on telling me about the day your child was born, then I insist you also tell me about the night it was conceived.

   At the end of the day its just ME...not YOU or YOUR feelings!

   I went to the lundromat where there was a sign that read: "Remove clothes immediatley when the buzzer rings!" Needless to say my astonishment when A: I realize I'm the only one in the place naked and B:I was getting tossed out by management!

   Every obese person needs a shirt that says "I beat Anorexia"

   Just had the seating-plan through for Gerry Rafferty's funeral. Clowns to the left, jokers to the right.:

   For an old white guy the colonel makes some good ass chicken.

   A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wrapped in nothing but saran wrap. The psychiatrist says, "I clearly see you're nuts."

   thinking that church that is going to protest that 9 yr old death in az is a bunch of fruit cakes. and hope they all burn in hell