Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Santa does not get milk and cookies at my house. Beer and pretzels it is. I figure after several million gulps of milk and enough cookies to cause a diabetic coma, a beer would be refreshing.

   Plan worked perfectly last night! Reindeer BBQ at my place tonight anyone?

   - I just don't like the look of my hands.....That's why I always keep them at arms length.

   Would Jesus be pissed off that we are celebrating his birthday on the wrong day?

   I just love gambling here in Vegas. Sure, I may lose $100,000 but the drinks are free so it evens out

   hopes Santa got Charlie Brown a football tee this year.

   May you have the gladness of Christmas which is hope; The spirit of Christmas which is peace; The heart of Christmas which is love.

   You know you're at the top of the naughty list when you get nothing under the tree, coal in your stocking and reindeer crap on your roof!

   : OK, I didn't get what I want for Xmas.... I'm coming after you FAT MAN IN A RED SUIT!!! And don't think I'm not gonna egg your sleigh either!

   Snowmen for sale....some assembly required!

   I somehow managed to get chocolate inside my shoe. And somehow mustered the bravery to figure out it was chocolate.

   It only took 6 drinks but I'm starting to feel the Christmas spirit.

   At the rate at which I'm going I doubt if I'll remember the last week of 2010....

   Dear Facebook Family...Thanks for being the Joy to my World...Merry Christmas!

   There has been only one Christmas -- the rest are anniversaries

   no matter how many years go by I still always end up getting banished to the kid table.

   just called 911. To report a fat white guy in a red suit just broke in to my home and snatched up a plate of cookies. Hey fatty you left your presents. We got your finger prints and we be looking for you. You so dumb.

   Got a flannel sweater for the 9th year in a row. Thanks mom! Can't wait to see what I get next year.

   Due to 9 empty traps, today's planned Iron Chef Reindeer Challenge will be postponed.

   Dear Kardashians, your 15 minutes was up a few months ago...