Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, does anyone know if the Bears are playing today?

   The one constant among all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers

   A cancer patient only has one wish, to get better. I know that 97% of you won't post this as your status, but my friends will be the 3% that do. In honour of someone who died, or is fighting cancer please post this for at least one hour.

   If you ever want to see a woman crying or screaming, just turn on oxygen.

   its days like this that some idiot out there feels the bravado to stick the tongue on a metal pole, I prefer to put my tongue on something warm, pink and juicy...

   maybe I'm not pretty, nice, funny, popular, hot or charming...but at least; I'M NOT FAKE!

   Baby,baby,baby ooh!" Mom: *walks in* Are you listening to justin bieber AGAIN..? Daughter: No I'm watchin PORN... Mom: Oh thank God

   Thinks that Facebook should change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?"

   What's six inches long, two and a half inches wide, and drives women wild?................................. Money

   I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school.

   Hi I'm the T-Mobile My Touch 4G. Since Apple gave Verison the IPhone and not us, we feel salty and are going to attack them in every commercial.

   If work was so good, the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.

   I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

   Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere.

   Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

   Just went outside for a couple of minutes, according to my nipples, I'ts damn cold outside!

   The reason I'm single? She wouldn't marry me when I was drinking and I wouldn't marry her when I was sober.

   Fool people into thinking you have a social life by going offline for a few hours.

   better being black than gay, cos you dont have to tell your parents.

   cmon now, lets be serious...noone would be stupid enough to catch a grenade for anyone.