Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   about to pour my friend a shot of chilled boiled hotdog water... shhhhhh

   Doing my taxes with a condom on. Figured I'm going to get screwed anyway, so why not be safe about it.

   about to pour my friend a shot of chilled boiled hotdog water... shhhhhh

   hoping the cute flight attendant gives a flying f**k.

   Whenever I see you, I remember the song "Just the way you are" and the movie "2012". When I see your face… it's the end of the world.

   My goal for today is to not post anything stupid on Facebook and to learn how to boil water.

   For once I would like to bring sexy back....from the bar.

   Some days there just isn't enough give-a-damn.

   Me and my missus got ready to cuddle up and watch our home made porno. I got up and pressed play, but unfortunately It was finished before I sat back down.

   I see they have blocked the Internet in Egypt. No more online pyramid schemes then?

   We were at the shopping centre and I caught my reflection in a shop window, I thought to myself "F-k me I've lost loads of weight!" The girlfriend hates that nickname, but I found her eventually.

   Once Liverpool sell Fernando Torres they are going to put an offer in for Andy Murray - They've never seen someone hit the net so many times in 90 minutes.

   If you start your day on a positive note, more than likely it will end in harmony..

   When I want to show off my best curves, I smile.

   suffering from the Hawaiian Disease....Laka Nooki

   Hitler hated juice. Not Jews. Pronounciation causes mass homocides.

   If 2012 does begin to happen we'll just have Kanye interrupt it.

   I just cleaned out my Facebook friends list. Congratulations if you are reading this! I still like you!

   Seismologists are nothing but a bunch of fault finders...

   Mubarak is like one of those guys at the end of the party. However many hints you give him, he just won't leave.....