Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   do they name cyclones after women because it comes, takes all your stuff and leaves

   I'll have to google this to be certain, but I don't think a witches tit is this cold.

   I hate being bi-polar. It's f@#king awesome!!!

   funny how it's all white out on the first day of black history month

   I guess it's safe to say, Punxsutawney Phil won't be out tomorrow

   Trophies aren't meant to be put on a shelf, so sometimes I let my wife leave the house just to show off a little.

   Don't worry about it, the next man no matter how much he is smiling and acting like they got it together is struggling too! Keep fighting.

   jI just finished installing a flux compacitor in my DeLorean and I'm heading back in time to prevent the band Hanson from releasing the song "Mmmm Bop"! I need to stop that atrocity from ever happening!

   ‎400 lbs of salt and two snow blowers for sale, thanks weathermen! Excuse me while I Go sledding through my grass.

   The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.

   Hey, hey! Now, don't you tell me you don't remember me because I sure as heckfire remember you.

   Don't tell your problems to people: eighty percent don't care; and the other twenty percent are glad you have them.

   Why does anyone ever bother to say "don't look"? Because we all know what happens next...

   Just finished some great games of racquetball. What a great way to relieve stress and lower your blood pressure, almost as good as ...................... but not quite!

   u better think twice before coming out of your hole mr. hog

   Egyptian Pres. Mubarak refuses to heed calls to step down. He seems to be in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't resign.

   I tried to join the X Men, but they turned me down. Apparently they don't consider being able to burp out the theme song from Family guy to be a real superpower

   what a beautiful day, I think i'll work on the permanent indent on my couch..

   i always wondered why gay men look so young and healthy... then I realized they dont have to deal with women

   Headline: "Police watch for sex trafficking ahead of Super Bowl." I guess the Steelers have finally arrived in Dallas.