Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Valentines advance: If she goes to the party, watches the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you then she is valentine material.

   I saw a sign earlier that said 'Watch Batteries Fitted Here'. I couldn't see the entertainment in it myself.

   Officer says "Gee, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

   Americans treat the Constitution the same way they treat the Bible: Despite never having read or understood it, they are quite certain they know both.

   If it squirms it's Biology; if it stinks it's Chemistry; if it doesn't work it's Physics and if you can't understand it, it's Mathematics.

   A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

   We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. Bill

   Foolishness always results when the tongue outraces the brain.

   Its funny how Governments evolution is opposite as to mans evolution.

   If I seduce it, really get it going, then leave it alone for ten minutes,maybe this paper will finish itself.

   You know when you are getting old when, you finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

   Honestly, I'd hit Anderson Cooper too if I had the chance.

   Hardee's is shutting down its 32 franchises in Egypt. There's Hardee's in Egypt? No wonder they don't like us.

   if you don't care about my past, then why do you keep asking about it?

   What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

   ♫ Jesus freaks, out in the streets, handing tickets out for God...♫

   i dont care how much ice cream you have your not gonna put that banana there.

   I get distracted by all the meats in the deli section, must be my short attention spam.

   I just heard the local priest singing a bit of "Nuns N' Moses".... "Take me down to the Vatican City where the mass is keen and the boys are pretty."

   In Store Special - "You're My One and Only" Valentine's Day cards... 4 for $5...