Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was driving around today and the sun was out and the snow is melting so I think it's time to take your Christmas decorations down now.

   getting a tattoo of Tattoo from Fantasy Island.

   Some people need to learn that the right to remain silent pertains to posting on Facebook too.

   I remember when making a mix tape for your girlfriend was the perfect Valentine's gift.

   Do you like apples? You do? Well....shut up.

   been to the same shop every week for the last year just to buy Milk. Now I have 52 copies and I wouldn't even call myself a Sean Penn fan.

   Mubarak to remain in office: " I will step down when the Cleaveland Cavaliers win a game"

   I would love to see everything, anyone has ever written to me, but backspaced before sending.

   Just saw a commercial for a new show called The Unpoppables...one of the guys in the show said: "There is a thin layer of rubber between success and failure." That should be the new slogan for MTV's 16 and Pregnant...

   I saw a guy walking through two feet of snow in sub-zero temperatures to get to the florist. He must have really f-cked up.

   When the kids wander around the house I can just see them thinking, "what can I f*ck up?"

   When it all said and done there will be nothing left to say or do.

   I want to know... when someone says they are going to kick your ass, why do they punch you in the face?

   She draws me in with a hypnotic glance, rips off my shirt, throws me up against the wall, presses her body against mine and whispers in my ear... GOT CHOCOLATE?

   If anything I post offends you, please bring it to my attention so I can delete you off my friends list.

   Why is it when opportunity knocks on your door, it knocks only once. But temptation... That b*tch leans on the damn door bell!

   Buddy of mine said, “you need to take the bull by the horns”….I told him that he should go first, and after they put the bull down for mauling him, I'd just take him with steak sauce….smarter not harder folks….

   after all is said and done, a lot more will have been said than done.

   disappointed that 25% of prostitutes use Facebook to solicit clients and not a single one has ever contacted him!

   I hate when I look horrible in a group picture and the person that looks good refuses to delete it.