Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Valentine's Day : Because love isn't quite complicated enough as it is....

   Facebook keeps showing me my ex "people you may know" Yes, FB, "People I wish I didn't know" quit taunting me on Vday!

   What makes the Superbowl half time show better than the Grammys? The Superbowl half-time show was only 1/2 hour.

   Girls gain weight because their brains can't hold all the info so it spreads to other places. Therefore she's not fat, she's a genius.

   To all the women I have slept with, I have herpes....and you thought I'd forget you on Valentine's Day

   Happy Mushy-Card-Nasty-Candy-in-a-Heart-Shaped-Box-Big-Balloon-That-Barely-Fits-in-Your-Car-And-You-Can't-See-to-Back-Up-$75-Rose s-That-Can-be-Bought-Tomorrow-for-$20-but-Must-be-Sent-to-"Prove"-Your-Love-Stand-In-Line-for-Two-Hours-to-Eat Day. <HATE

   Chocolate..✔,.Strawberries..✔,.Whipped Cream..✔,....now just need my Valentine!!

   I wonder if Hugh Hefners new fiancé bought him a bag of prunes and a wheel chair for Valentine's day?

   Today is national VD awareness day, please wish all of your single friends a warm and happy VD.

   She said all she wanted for valentines day was a little kiss, man is she going to be shocked when she sees the midget drinking Dr. Deeper in our living room!!!

   I remember when a MIX tape off the radio (while the DJ wasn't talking) was the best Valentine EVER!!

   take today to remember those that died in the St. Valentine's Day Massacre in 1929.

   afraid to cook and eat eggs now. What if Lady Gaga is in one of them? She might get upset and beat me up.

   I have a heart on...you know, so nobody tries to pinch me today...

   If you went to High School with your girlfriend's grandfather, you might be a Hugh Heffner.

   None of the other vitamins compare to the first, fluffy, white one on the top.

   (Q) Reproduceing bees are called queens. What are the none reproduceing bees called? (a) Lesbees

   Once a good one is taken, one thinks they can do better and usually end up with les.

   I was in my doctors office the other day. he said "One last thing, you really have to stop eating so many eggs." I said "Is my cholestoral too high?" Then the doctor said " No, but you farted in the waiting room and darn near killed everyubody.'

   It is never greener on the other side, especially IF you take good care of your own lawn and take time to appreciate it!!!