Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We need a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings.like,"Well I'm bored let's go brush our teeth"!

   im gonna put a ringtone of a baby crying and put it in a case. Then when it rings I will start punching the bag saying shut up BI*CH!!

   Standing outside on my front lawn with my pants down waiting for Google Earth to pass by and take a picture

   I had a friend on Facebook who's status said "Suicidal..Standing on the edge of a cliff"...... So I poked him

   I'm sorry if you cant understand, but I need a Radio inside my hand!!!

   They're called "Skinny Jeans". Not "Make You Skinny Jeans..

   When things in your life don't add up, use math. It solves problems!

   If you're talking behind my back, you're in a good position to kiss my azz .

   im a ninja....no your not....did you see me just do that....do what?... exactly

   Watching a little kid learn to brush their teeth is adorable... unless they are trying to use a sharpie with no cap on.

   1st: Chris Brown hits her 2nd: Eminem lies to her and 3rd: Drake cant remember her name. What a life Rihanna has

   thinking that I need to go home and rest my conscience

   Has a immunity idol hidden in my pants.

   Got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust

   SEX- now that I have your attention....(real status)

   makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   If you ever catch yourself just sitting around your house thinking “Hey I need to go buy the new Justin Bieber CD”, Please delete me as your friend as soon as possible! Thanks.

   shakeweight.... no thank you, I have my own. kinda wish someone else would shake it though. I'm tired of exercising alone

   At the end of your life, you should get a rebate for however much time you spent learning cursive.

   if they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.