Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is a special day in the rite of spring. It speaks of rejuvenated love and a reminder of things that are sweet. Happy Pitchers and Catchers Report day!

   For Valentine's day, my husband didn't go to Jared. He went to work. I think that the steady paycheck says "I love you" much better than a shiny rock could.

   Today may be Valentines day, but men will get their revenge in exactly one month....March 14th, look it up.

   Pizza will you be my valentine?

   First Lady Gaga shows up at the VMAs covered in meat. Then arrives at the Grammys in an egg. She's only about two red carpets away from being a Denny's Grand Slam.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard

   That today a small kid dressed in diapers with a bow and arrow came knocking on my door and I turned the hose on him.... come to think about it I might be confusing Halloween with Valentine's Day!

   I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn't hear me call shotgun.

   What is a man's idea of helping with the housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum

   Jail: the government's way of sending you to your room

   the kinda guy your mother warned you about. Warned you not to let get away because a good man is hard to find.

   Valentines. Rymes with Pointless.

   In 1977 Princess Leia asked Obi Wan for help...on 2011, she asked Jenny Craig

   Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, some poems rhyme, others don't

   Why do I keep seeing the word "surprised" on statuses? Really! Today you were surprised to get candy and flowers at work from your bf, gimme a break. Tattoo nieve on your forehead please.

   when I got pulled over, the cop said he clocked me doing 75 mph in 55 mph zone. I asked "WHERE D'YA GET THAT APP?"

   would like to remind any unhappy souls today that St Valentine was beaten to death with clubs

   On Valentines day I am actually ❒ Single ❒ Taken ❒ Ball'in ❒ Pimp'n ✔ Hungry for Chocolate

   Today is the only day Women can relate to condoms, their either on you or in your wallet !

   I just got an email asking me if I wanted to "be larger so I could please my lady." Heck no! She's the one who put me on this diet to begin with!