Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SEX- now that I have your attention....(real status)

   makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   If you ever catch yourself just sitting around your house thinking “Hey I need to go buy the new Justin Bieber CD”, Please delete me as your friend as soon as possible! Thanks.

   shakeweight.... no thank you, I have my own. kinda wish someone else would shake it though. I'm tired of exercising alone

   At the end of your life, you should get a rebate for however much time you spent learning cursive.

   if they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.

   So far, this is the oldest I've ever been.

   It's cute the way you ignore the red squiggly line under all of your words.

   Well, if you learn from your mistakes, by now I should have a Ph.D. in Screwupologoy.

   of course "Need you now" won for song of the year, is the best booty call song of all times!

   Remember, folks, today is National Punch A Politician Day, so don't forget to stop by city hall and take a number.

   the preceding status update was erased before a live audience.

   in charge of fixing dinner tonight, and I want to get home and open that jar of peanut butter so it can breathe.

   Just once I'd like a bride to walk down the aisle to "The Imperial March" in place of "Here Comes the Bride".

   finally came out of the closet and told my family I'm white. It took a lot of courage on my part, but I felt it was time they understood why I can't jump or dance.

   I wish the camera would add ten pounds to my bank account

   Dear Facebook: Stop being like my mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with.

   Leaving me a 3 minute voicemail is unnecessary

   Guns don't kill people. Bullets do!

   making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.