Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wondering why women can't remember to put the toilet seat up after they are finished?

   honoring Presidents Day, by enjoying some BUSH !

   Happy President's Day! Time to remember all the great leaders this country has had, and how we've disgraced them by putting Obama in office!!

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

   You are the result of 4 billion years of evolution. The least you can do is act like it.

   1 in 5 relationships now start online. The other 4 will end online.

   Someone told me I was immature. Well guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore?

   hears that Charlie Sheen is giving Lynsay Lohan advice....Hey Charlie...People who live is glass houses usually have pretty cool stuff to snort Coke on!

   I recently started to grow a beard, and I gotta tell ya... I feel way cooler already

   fruit of the day: kumquat.

   Things were simpler when everything in my life fit perfectly inside my awesome Trapper Keeper.

   NASCAR - Non Athletic Sports Centered Around Rednecks

   If you're always organizing things, you have OCD. If you're always eating things, you have OBCD.

   If you don't like the new photo viewer on Facebook...Hit the F5 key after the picture comes up and it will return you to the old way of viewing the photo and remove the black box around it.

   Oh Mylanta!

   Your profile said you had a body like an amusement park, but when I met you it looked more like a trailer park. what gives?

   My ex said I would always have the key to her heart, so I take it that her new man is a locksmith?

   Ex girlfriends are like herpes...... you ignore them for a few months and then BAM, theyre back, obnoxious as ever.

   Dear snow, I think you're lost. Alaska is a different way.

   the difference between an in-law and an out-law is that outlaws are wanted....