Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish Google knew if he still loved me..

   I think gang violence would drop dramatically if gangs behaved more like those in West Side Story.

   Anti-Depression Tip: Go to your local Wal-Mart and hang out by the fitting rooms. Instant "OMG I'M SO GLAD I'M NOT THEM!" happy.

   I really don't have time to date. My iTunes library is very high maintenance

   RIP Guitar Hero

   "Red, yellow, blue, yellow, yellow, red." -The lyrics to "Walk This Way" as performed on Guitar Hero

   Why do people lie and cheat? Because they know its easier to get foregiveness than permission.

   I need a get-thin-quick scheme.

   Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right

   Happier than a Redneck driving a race car!!!!!

   Yahoo News; 'Two Sharks Attack Diver' Nice to see FIFA have toughened up on the punishment!

   What does Spurs, Arsenal and Paul McCartney have in common? They all get excited over one leg.

   : Serving sarcasm with a smile since 1984.

   needs some good ole fashioned meaningless casual sex.

   I don't use the expression, "I beg to differ." If my opinion is different than yours I'm not going to beg to express it.

   You know you've been married to long when your wife's favorite toy in bed is an Iphone

   My ex calls me up and says "My panties are wet" and I said "I'll be right over" and she said "Bring your tools, the washer's broke again"..........and then I hung up on her..

   I warned my daughter and I'll warn you too......I- Phone owners should not download the Pregnancy test App..... Peeing on you phone will only destroy it !!

   Too bad you can't photoshop your ugly personality.

   Having sex is like playing poker. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.