Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To be honest, I'm just fishing for compliments tonight.

   Since wishing for more wishes isn't allowed, why not wish for more magic lamps?

   Please tell your booty to stop calling me! Its over, it needs to accept it and move on.

   I think for just about everybody, at some point in your life, there's one teacher you had a secret crush on. For me, it's my wife's aerobic teacher.

   Today at the NASCAR race they drove around in an oval for about 4 hrs! Next week, same thing.

   couldn't get a girl even if he bathed in chocolate and wore clothes made of $1,000 bills

   Quit while you're ah

   I can't listen to "Right Now" by Van Halen anymore, because all I can think of is Crystal Clear Pepsi.

   Dry clean only...means I will never ever wash this.

   Just met one of those people that start laughing at things you said 10 minutes ago....because they just "got it"

   Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right

   Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is..

   Yesterday the house was clean, sorry you missed it.

   Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

   Save a baby seal...Club a liberal.

   BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

   believes it was Plato who once shared this sage advice: You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, and know when to run. You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table. There'll be time enough for countin'

   keeps a lighter in my back pocket at all times. I'm not a smoker; I just really like certain songs.

   did it like this, I did it like that, I did it with a whiffle ball bat, So....

   thinks the McDonald's Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.