Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nobody touch me for 5 minutes and give me a cigarette...I just filled my tank at the gas station

   Then the psychiatrist's gave me the good news: I was going to have a disorder named after me..

   The problem with us beautiful people is that most people hate us.

   Facebook keeps suggesting me the friends... You may know.. But when I try adding them it again says do you know them...??

   I hate it when I go to sleep and forget to turn my swagg off.

   BBC News: "Ice Cream Company Launches Breast Milk Flavoured Ice Cream". I wonder if they will be doing raspberry nipple.

   I'd like you more if facebook didn't update me on all your stupid thoughts……I said to myself….

   just realized how valuable photoshop can be...when you need to pin something on your boss...like a donkey…for blackmail…

   Kudos on the shaved balls, but try longer gym shorts next time….

   believes there are two great rules in life: 1.) Never tell everything at once.

   Dose the show glee remind anyone of the Mickey Mouse clubhouse?

   People eat at Mcdonalds because they either.(A) love it but don't know how bad it is for you (B) Love it but they don't care that it's bad for you (C).Don't really like it but eat it because they desperatly need to clean out thier colon.

   Oh, I'm sorry....I didn't realize you were giving me a dirty look, I thought you were that ugly all of the time.

   sometimes I stare at a woman and wonder, "what would it take to stub her camel toe..."

   Why do fat people wear so much perfume, it hides body odor, not fat.

   When a spambot tells you to click a link to take an IQ test, that IS the IQ test.

   This weekend I will be drinking in Dog Beers, that way it doesn't sound like I am such a lush.

   I was up all night wondering why I have insomnia when it dawn on me.

   If it takes you more than an hour to answer a text message I will assume that you're dead.

   Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it's just a diagnosis.