Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my body is no longer my temple, it's more like a bar and grill.

   Would it kill the gas stations to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up to the gas pump and my tank is on the wrong side

   thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk... just like in cartoons.

   She was gone as fast as rum cake at an AA meeting!

   Don`t let the sadness of your past, and the fear of your future ruin the happiness of your present...

   My wife said I was disrespectful and I was thinkin' does that mean she's gonna get me a beer or not?

   Smoking, drinking and you...two things I love.

   I've forgotten how to "hang out" with people if alcohol isn't involved.

   ‎3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier's face: Priceless!

   Whenever I say, "I don't mean that in a bad way," I usually do.

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   Whenever someone says "Expect the unexpected" I get the urge to smack them and say "It's not as good as it sounds, is it?"

   Doctors were stunned by how many years she lived without a personality...

   Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she'll be awake.

   At a cemetery, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself

   Okay, who put super glue in my K why Jelly Warming Sensation bottle?

   Dear MTV, I was wondering if I could get my "M" back..... you know, since you're not using it. Sincerely, _usic

   I'm up way too early for someone who wasn't planning on seizing the day.

   Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.

   hope my wife gets her next period in a shark tank