Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never take a boat ride in shark-infested waters with a stranger who calls you Chum.

   If you were on fire and I had a beer in my hand, I would be warm, toasty, and drunk.....

   Happy National Tortilla Chip Day, enjoy the Mexican that's in you....and mow my yard while your at it.

   People are not mirrors, They see you completely differently than the way you see yourself.

   Loving the new democracy in the Arab world; just wish it wasn't so painful at the pump…

   If you're in a relationship for sex it's like buying an airplane for the peanuts.

   sometimes I whistle while I work....but most of the time I facebook...

   Why do women fart after they pee? They can't shake it so they blow it dry.

   Why do men get circumcised? Because women will GRAB anything with 20% off!! :))

   I always wondered what it would be like to work for an oil company. Now I know!

   An expert is just someone who's 10,000 miles away from home.

   My Neighbors just bough me a new Seiko , I think they misunderstood me when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanna watch

   Women cant hear what Men don't say

   You dont need superpowers to read my mind all you need is a facebook Or Twitter..Lol

   I don't think people like the hugs I dish out. They say its weird during mid hug when I whisper in their ear..."Just relax and spread that hug all over me".

   It's looking like along week. And like a midget at a urinal, I'm going to have to be on my toes for it.

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends..... Seriously it's not rocket science people!

   Never run after a bus or a woman....There will always be another.

   saying "black and yellow black and yellow"... sounds like a R. Kelly home made video.

   The words there, their, and they're do NOT mean the same thing.